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I guess I'll have to be the one to clear things up.
smile
shazlinishere
The first few moments when Clement told me that we weren't going to go far together, I was desperate. I begged him to think about it again. I even asked him if I could change for him, which was the most desperate thing I could do and I wish I hadn't said.

After 5 minutes, I realized that it was better to let him go. I really loved him and if he was happier without me, what other choice did I have? I didn't want to be selfish, I didn't want to hold him back. He told me about the stuff he wanted to do in the future. The look he had in his eyes spoke volumes.

Some reasons I thought were ridiculous, like the fact that he liked the way girls looked at him when they knew he was single. Some reasons hit me like bulldozers, like the fact that I really didn't know how to spend quality time together, thinking the more time spent with him, the better it would be. Boy, was I wrong! Some reasons I couldn't run away from, where he wanted to spend more time working and earning a living from his job. I never really believed in the company's ethics but I swear, I never had a doubt in believing in him.

When he told me he loved me, I gave up. He didn't love me. He loved me.

I guess, he was afraid of commitment and couldn't handle a proper relationship, of which I don't blame on him because the longest relationship he had before me lasted for one and a half months. I took him for granted and my ego kept me from forgiving him whenever he made the smallest of mistakes.

I wanted to be happy for him, show him I was supportive. He left me at the lift. We shared our kiss for the night, I smiled as he went down in the lift. I knocked at the door and my cousin came to open the door. I stepped into the house, pulled him into a hug and my knees gave way. I broke down.

It was all a dream when I met him the next day to have breakfast with his parents. We smiled, acted as if nothing happened the night before even though his parents both heard of the news beforehand. I was awkward, I was nervous and I teared in the car.


The past 7 days have been rocky. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster ride. My friends and family have been supportive in a way I could never have imagined. Someone told me on the night we broke up that it was "okay not to be okay". Some have told me that Clement was just a jerk. I could never make myself hate him because I loved him too much. I spent sleepless nights thinking if he thought of me. Some nights I spent crying myself to sleep. I was a complete wreck.

My mum told me that I'd get the best advice from the places or people you'd least expect from. I got mine when I was watching Twilight on Friday. During the graduation speech, Bella's friend told everyone that this was the time to make mistakes in life and that was the only way to grow. Which reminded me of how someone told me a few nights ago that this was the time to do new things and live life, with the carefree look on his face.

Even now, I'm trying to pick the pieces of my life up. I'm still in limbo. I'm still tripping over myself. I'm doing stupid things that no one would be proud of.

One day, I'll write about the amazing times we've spent together in the past year. It hurts too much to say it all now.

Today would've been our 13th month anniversary.
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